Wednesday, February 11, 2015

My Secret Shame



I have a confession to make.  I write fanfic.  In fact, I spend at least an hour every night coming up with new stories set in beloved worlds. Sometimes, I even write crossovers.  

You may wonder why this is an embarrassing admission for me. Lots of famous F+SF writers got their start writing fanfic. This is a legitimate career path for an aspiring author, right?

You know, if I was writing awesome adventures set in the worlds of “Clockwork Angel”, “Magic’s Pawn,” or “His Majesty’s Dragon,” I might agree with you. That could be some really excellent fanfiction. 

Unfortunately, my Fanfic has an editor, and she just turned three. So, instead of something people want to read, my stories revolve around the world of Dora and Diego, with occasional Winx crossovers when things get really crazy.

They are the bane of my existence and the cause of my exhaustion.

Want to see what I mean?   

I present Dora and Diego and the Hungry Hungry Bears who Eat All the Mommies and the Daddies.
 
One day, Dora and Diego and Boots and Swiper and Baby Jaguar were walking in the forest. It had been a long day, and they were ready for snacks.

“I can’t wait to see what Mommy and Daddy made us for dinner,” said Dora.   

The friends got to Dora’s house and went inside. Dora looked in the kitchen.  Mommy and Daddy weren’t there. She looked in the bathroom. No Mommy and Daddy there! She looked in the living room, but she couldn’t find her mommy or her daddy!

Then Dora heard crying. She walked into the SuperBabies’s room. “Wahh! Wahh! “ Cried the Superbabies. “The Hungry, Hungry Bears came and took ALL the Mommies and Daddies! They’re going to cook them in a pan and eat them up for dinner!”

“Oh, No!” Cried Dora. “The Hungry, Hungry Bears took my mommy and my daddy, and Diego’s mommy and daddy, and Swiper’s mommy and daddy, and Boot’s mommy and daddy! We have to save them! Can you help us save the mommies and the daddies?”

“To find the Mommies and Daddies,” Dora said, “we need to find the Hungry, Hungry Bear caves. I don’t know where the bears live? Who do we ask for help when we don’t know where to go?”
“Map can help us! Say ‘Map!’”

But when Map appeared, his mouth was full of porridge. “Go away, Dora,” Map mumbled. “I am eating my breakfast.”  

“Map,” Dora laughed. ‘You can’t eat! You’re made of paper! Maps don’t eat!”

Map finished his porridge and picked up his juice. “Glug-glug-glug.  I can’t hear you, Dora. I’m too busy drinking my orange juice!”

“Map,” groaned Dora, “You can’t drink. You are a map. You are made of paper. Stop being silly!”

“OK, “ said Map. “To get to the bear cave you have to go across the troll bridge, down the crystal falls, and that’s how you find the cave! So remember, bridge, falls, hungry bear cave!”

Dora and her friends ran through the forest to the troll bridge. The grumpy old troll blocked their way. 

“Get out of our way, troll!” Diego shouted. “We need to save the mommies and the daddies.”

“Hey Diddle Diddle, Answer my Riddle!” The troll snarled. “I am big and loud and full of hoses. I put out fires and I’m the color of roses. What am I?”

“A Fire Truck!” The friends rushed across the bridge as the troll dove out of the way.

Next, they came to the Crystal River. “We need to go over the falls in Diego’s raft,” said Dora. “What do we need to put on to be safe?”

“That’s right! Life jackets and helmets! Hold on tight! We’re going over the falls! Wheeeee!”

The bear cave was at the bottom of the falls. Dora and her friends crept inside. The Hungry, Hungry Bears were about to throw all the mommies and daddies into the great big pot of boiling water! 

“How can we save the mommies and the daddies?” Asked Dora.  “The bears are very big, very strong, and very hungry!”

“I know,” said Boots. “Swiper , Baby Jaguar and I can do a silly dance! While the bears are distracted, you and Diego can save all the mommies and the daddies.”  So, Boots, Swiper, and Baby Jaguar did a silly dance. The bears all stopped what they were doing and watched the animals. 

Meanwhile, Dora and Diego crept across the cave to the mommies and daddies. Diego cut the ropes with his machete, and they all tiptoed to the cave entrance. Then Boots, Swiper, and Baby Jaguar stopped dancing. Everyone started to run.

“Rarr, Rarr, Rarr!” The hungry bears chased them, The bears ran faster and faster. “We can’t outrun them,” Dora gasped. “They’re going to eat us all!”

“I can help,” Baby Jaguar said. “errr,errr,err!” Baby Jaguar called all the Jaguars.

The Mommy and Daddy Jaguars came. The Grandma and Grandpa Jaguars came. The Aunt and Uncle and Cousin and Brother and Sister Jaguars all came. They chased the bears through the jungle and over the mountains, and the Hungry, Hungry Bears never came back again.

“Hooray!” Dora shouted. “We did it! We saved all the Mommies and the Daddies, and now we can go home and have yummy snacks! Thanks for helping. We couldn’t have done it without you!”

The End.

So there you have it. My deep dark secret. It’s not the best writing I’ve ever done. It’s not the most interesting story in the world. But I’m paid well for my efforts. If I make the editor happy, I get to sleep.

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