Thursday, January 28, 2010

Max and Paul

Max has woken up to the world. He's awake for big stretches of time. He coos and laughs and smiles. He reaches out for his siblings and grabs them and pats them. He's two months old, and I can't imagine life without him.

It's weird, because I still really miss Paul, too. I wish he'd survived and been born. But if Paul had lived, he'd already be sitting up. Max wouldn't exist. And I don't want to trade Max for Paul. In a perfect world, I'd get to have them BOTH -- which is completely and totally impossible.

I suppose this is one of those weird paradoxes that will only work itself out in eternity. And, in the meantime, I'm glad for all 5 of my kids - the four who enjoy each other's company (most of the time. :) ) and the one who they didn't get the chance to know.


Jen Raiche said...

Deirdre - I, too have had a miscarriage and wonder what our life would be like with one more little one. I was about 12 weeks along, and we never determined the gender of the baby. I was working at the time and opted for a D&C-for fear I would have the baby at work.

The hospital was a Catholic hospital and they would bury the babies from miscarriage quarterly. They also had a prayer service at the cemetary. That brought a great sense of closure to the pregnancy, but certainly not a feeling of "getting over" the event and simply "moving on". Just a helpful part.

I feel your sentiments about wishing you could have him as well as your current baby at the same time. :) My miscarriage was between baby #1 and baby #2 and I felt the very same way.

The boys know that "mommy had a baby that died." A few years ago we purchased a Christmas ornament
that says, "I'm spending Christmas with Jesus this year." We had the baby's name engraved on it. And, each Christmas we fondly remember the member of our family that is not with us.

Each year, when the anniversary of our miscarriage comes, I remember it with great sadness and longing to see and hold that baby I was never able to meet. Although, I look forward to meeting him in heaven.

Our children truly are a gift from God. We never know how long they will be with us. We hope it will be for many joyous years, but, sometimes, it is only for a few precious weeks or months.

God bless you!

matthew archbold said...

God bless, Deirdre. We know the pain you're going through. Your post really hit home for me. Thanks.